Beer, Lies & Audiotape

There's no sense trying to make sense of anything

Shoe B Q results

Couldn’t defend the horseshoe title but picked up the rib crown, one could certainly be worse.

Holy shit you guys,
Idaho won a football game
Don’t wake me up

Friends are rad

"The person has to tear the walls down themselves. They also can't do it brick by brick. They need to tear down an entire wall at once. If not you will unconsciously rebuild it. I'm not saying you have to open it all up at once, but figure out how many walls you have and tear them down one at a time. "

At this hour
I am not me
Just a shell
If you propped me up
You could work me like a dummy
Convince most of the world I was real

Being an only child I’ve spent plenty of time by myself, it’s never really bothered me. I always felt in control of my situation, that being alone was a choice, one that I was good with. As of late this isn’t the case, being alone means facing my thoughts, stepping through each misstep I’ve made. Scenarios and conversations real and imagined play on loop in my head. I used to enjoy my commute, a couple hours a day to listen to music and think through whatever. This time has become an introspective hell where my mind wanders through all the things I don’t have any control over, all the things I can’t change. Being alone doesn’t feel like a choice anymore, now I crave connection and interaction. I want a life full of people and things and feelings.
How does one go about tearing down all the walls they built and rebuilding all the bridges they burned? My perspective has changed but I don’t have the skills to deal with it.

Centered

I’ve spent the majority of my life being or working to be the center of attention and throwing fits when I am not. I notice people around me that are so naturally selfless and giving and I’m perplexed by them. It comes so easy to them, when I attempt to put others first it feels fake, it’s awkward, I have to push it, oversell it to make it real.
I’m trying to change this about myself, at it’s best my efforts are frustrating, and at their worst they are soul crushing. Trying to sit on the back burner has me thinking, feeling, facing things I’ve never really had to face. I don’t think I like me very much, I see patterns in life, all the close friendships I never had, all the love I envied. There is nobody, nothing outside of me that I can blame, there is no talking it out and making it all better. There is only looking in the mirror every day and coming to terms with what I am, trying to understand where I fit and where the road leads from here. Right now feels like a show, it feels scripted, I hope one day with practice it will feel real and free and true.

Yes Please

The scariest part about life is that we alone are responsible for it. Every moment of joy, rage, disappointment, despair is essentially our own creation and however long they endure is our own choice. Sometimes those are clear, easy choices and sometimes they are buried deep under other pieces of our lives. When the deep choices are uncovered and brought to light they can be difficult and life altering but they are still choices and we have the power to make them if we truly want our lives to change.
Free yourself of feeling trapped, feeling victimized. Take the power that belongs to you and be responsible for the choices you make.

Doin what I do this time of day

Feeling pent up and restless
More coffee should help right?

Go ahead

Push me motherfucker
It might be the very last time I let you

3am

My mind is racing
My thoughts deceive me
I can’t shake it
Can’t sleep
I need
I want

Breathe
I need to breathe
I don’t know that I’ve ever been so scared in my life
This moment
I have to trust
I must have faith
It’s worth living through this
It’s worth this and more
If I can take it
I can take it


When will the punishment end, when will recovery begin, what is this life of silence?